A Message For Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to the Dads out there.

This is going to be my second official Father's Day, and the question of what it is to be a good Dad, and the wider question of what it is to be a good man struck me as I discussed my wishes for this Father's Day with my beautiful wife. As a stay-at-home Dad, my idea of a good day would be to have it off from the responsibility of parenting, but then, I'd also like to spend the day with my Dad. Actually, it was while discussing this idea with my father that the larger question of what it means to be a good man came about.

First, a word about my Dad.

You know, you don't get to pick your parents. I'm sure that there are many out there who could easily find fault with their parents. I'm no different. My Dad is no saint.

But, if I had to pick, I wouldn't choose anything different. In the past couple years, as I've raised my own child, I've come to realize the sacrifices that he had to make to live up to the title "Dad." My sister and I were born when my Dad was just a kid. Well, back in the late 60's-early 70's he was of the age expected to behave like a man. On a date, Dad got Mom pregnant and stuck by her. I can't say it was officially a shotgun marriage, but Grandpa made it clear the behavior he expected from his son. Since then, we've heard all about responsibility from Dad, to the point of it being a punch-line in family conversations.

Their marriage was doomed from the start and my sister had the brunt of that. I came six years later. Soon after that they divorced. In what was a very unusual move for the time, my father was granted custody of us. So, in the 70's when the woman was expected to raise the children, Dad took custody of two young children. He could've pretty much walked away, but he didn't. He stuck around. That alone makes him worthy of the title "Dad."

"But wait... there's more!" In the thirty odd years since, Dad has scrimped and saved to give my sister and I what we needed. He went to school, had a career and helped countless people in the process. A saint? No, but definitely worthy of some praise. So here, for Father's Day, Thanks Pop!

By the way, he hates this kind of praise, so if you read this, send me a comment, I'll pass it on to him.

And that leads us to where my father and I were yesterday. As we discussed whether we would hide out from my family for Father's Day (he told me to spend the day with my kid, after all,) the conversation wandered around to what we expect for our kids. The question was raised: "What does it take to be a Dad?"

My Dad is part of the 60's generation, a "Baby Boomer." He still has his hippie ponytail. His father was part of the "Greatest Generation." So, when Dad grew up the pinnacle of the industrial revolution was in full swing. Cars were American, and huge. The people were all white, save for some "negros." Pop came up in a world of clearly defined values which his generation were to ultimately test.

For Grandpa, the rules were simple: To be a man you had a job, which you showed up for whether you liked it or not, and this afforded you a home, where you put your wife and 2.3 kids. The joy of family was enough, and if you had what you needed, maybe a little more (but just a little), you were successful.

For Dad's generation, they tested all of those values. Property wasn't necessary, communes were popular. Finding your place required deeper questions: To be a man, your values, more than that of societies, were what you needed to relay to your children. A job was important, but it should be something you were drawn to. What a home was took on vague rules, and multiple families (think "Brady Bunch".) The world was bigger, and they were seduced by its grandeur ( I'm talking in generalities, my Dad never had much money to be seduced with.) As the country reached the limits of its growth, the idea of consumption to create growth was introduced rather than create a new metric. So for many success came to mean having more than the next guy.

So here's my generation. I'm a Gen-X'er, but barely. I grew up in a time when consuming more reached epidemic proportions. The News became a commercial. Advertising reached into every nook and cranny of society. Every conversation became a sale. Now, we're constantly selling ourselves to others so that we have something to buy the next "thing" with. If you really think about it, what is a blog, but an opportunity to sell yourself to the world? My favorite blogs all have something for sale on them. Buy, buy, buy!

So I ask myself, what is a man today? To be a man today can have many meanings, but the one using the measurements of our forefathers goes like this: A man makes enough money (notice the job loses its importance here,) to provide his family(which he'll put off until he reaches this goal,) with a SAFE home, usually in a gated community, and the best schools for your kids (if you have any, putting off family isn't easy genetically,) and all the things to keep those kids entertained so that they don't ask to go outside, where it is no longer safe (even in the gated community.) He drives the most luxurious car he can afford, because the safest gated communities are miles and miles away from the places where business happens (those places were built by Grandpa's generation, and would be difficult to move.) He considers himself conservative because he goes to church, but he spends until he owes more than twice what his stuff was worth, and he does this gladly, because he wants the stuff that the guy who gave him the credit to do that has (I know, confusing right?) And his church feels safe to him because the whole place is a sales pitch, and that he understands because he has grown up with that.

So what are the fundamentals for me as a Dad? For Grandpa, I have the home. For Dad, I do the work that I want, and I pass on the most important ideals to my child.

All the while, I want more.

Man, do I want more. I fantasize about winning lotteries, coming up with FaceBook sized ideas, etc. I think more about success and the trappings of success than I do of how to get there. And I'm no different than most men my age. But I have lost the concept of just how successful I really am.

My beautiful wife said to me the other day that she was fully content and happy with our life together. While I was proud of the accomplishment, I was surprised. I had to admit that I am never satisfied. There is always something more that I feel I should be achieving.

So what do I teach my daughter this Father's Day?

I guess the most important thing to teach her is that I'm here and I'm trying. Again, when I think back to the reasons why my Dad is the one I'd pick if I had the choice, just showing up was the most important thing. So, ultimately, Pops had it right once again. He told me to spend this Father's Day with my family. In this confusing time, just be there, and always be there.

That's the real definition: To be a man, just show up, always.

Happy Father's Day!